4 :(

I have never shared this photo before, but I’m really struggling to connect with my feelings today. So many parts of my world since January 11,2017, has felt increasingly chaotic. I saw a Facebook post that I made on January 10th, 2017, and I thought to myself, “that was the last day that life felt normal”. That is not to say that wonderful things haven’t happened in my life in the last four years, because I have met so many incredible people, many I now have the privilege to call my friends. Jon and the kids and I have built a life here in Oregon that sometimes feels like a fairytale. The dichotomy of my world before, and my world today, is vast.

The biggest thing I mourn is that my kids don’t have her here as they grow, and she doesn’t get to see them grow up. My mom had a very special relationship with all of her grandchildren. This thought brings out my tears every time it floats across my consciousness.

I mourn that my sister has lost this light. I think their relationship was much more than I appreciated when my mom was alive. Sometimes I feel regretful that they connected on a level I never did. Then I feel grateful that Amy will always have that.

I mourn for Gerry. After my Dad passed away, I couldn’t imagine how my mom could go on. I will never forget when she told me about Gerry. I appreciate that he treated her well and made her feel some freedoms in her last five years that I don’t think she ever allowed herself before. I know he has regrets, but life truly is too short for it. I am grateful for the happiness you gave to my Mom as you traveled the states together.

Wasn’t that a beautiful day that we had? I’m so lucky to share my life with a supportive, loving life partner. I think about my parents nearly every day. I miss them hard at times, tearing up and sobbing. Sometimes the memories are fun ones that make me laugh to tears. Sometimes I still feel pretty angry.

I find myself trying to imagine them here in the throws of political unrest and a raging pandemic…and all that has come with it. Sometimes I would kill just have one last conversation.

More Cake

Wes demanded that his cake this year be “death by chocolate”. So, I submit, artery clogging, widow maker, diabetes instilling…. Death By Chocolate!!!

I filled the middle with whipped cream icing, chocolate syrup, and Wes’ favorite candy coated M&Ms.

Then I covered the whole cake in made from scratch chocolate whipped cream icing!

My MIL gifted me for my birthday an attachment for my Kitchen Aid. It warms and tempers chocolate! So I made chocolate truffles to decorate the cake! Nailed it!

Ok, I need some work, but for my first attempt, not bad. They taste delicious and look amazing on the cake!!!

I made a She-ra portrait for Ava using dark and white chocolate. For Wes I did a Voltron chocolate portrait.

Jon made homemade chocolate ice cream from scratch to aid in the chocolatey death ☠️

Democracy

This is not the post I expected to write today. I was planning to document my decorating of Ava and Wes’ birthday cake. But it is clear that the development of events at the United States Capital need to be addressed instead.

I was watching our Senators debate on the floor of our capitol when horror ensued. I haven’t felt this way since September 11th. Watching it unfold was horrible. I have shed tears… both of fear and anger as well as joy- in response to the news out of Georgia. But I cannot get those images out of my mind.

I’m sad for my country.

Thank you!

I’m not really sure yet how I feel about turning 40, but I have enjoyed a lovely quiet day listening to the ocean in the company of my husband and soul mate. I very much appreciate the many calls, texts, and messages containing birthday wishes! Thank you!

Happy New Year!

Ready to welcome the New Year

Happy 15th Birthday Tay and Liv!!!

Embroidered Stockings

My Mom really liked to fill stocking for our kids. She bought these and used them at her house for several years. She didn’t really have a way to remember from year to year which was for whom. Hence the red and green marker mob sticky label. Liv and Wes’ stickers have disappeared and well, they always deserved to have an embroidered monogram. I finally got around to doing it this year. I started with Wes’…

It took me a couple of hours, but looked great! I couldn’t wait to pull off my stretcher and see the glory of my labor!

“Ooooof” (Taylor’s catch phrase of 2020)

Rip out and repeat!

Much better!!!

A few hours of work, a little frustration, overall happiness. I think my mom would love them. I regret not having done it years ago…

Vaccination

I did a thing today!

I never imagined myself being excited to get a shot on Christmas Day, but it is 2020. A year like none other. My number was picked as I was able to step off the unit and receive the Pfizer vaccine.

More than once in the last week I have shed tears over this moment. The weight of this time, the pandemic, the death-suffering-loneliness, all of it has started feel pretty hefty. In my few moments of quiet, sometimes it just overtakes me.
I mourn many things… the loss of everyday life, my kids graduations from middle and elementary school, vacations, visits from family and friends, a feeling of safety and security, feeling valued in my work, connecting with my patients in the moments when it really matters in the close human way that my work requires at times, dining out, the quiet of my house when the kids are at school and Jon is on a run, the tidiness my house once had when it sat at 1/3 capacity 2/3rds of the day, the laughter of my kids on the playground or socializing with friends, meandering in a store just to linger a little longer, the joy on Wes’ face when we went to a mall with an escalator or rode the Max… so many things.

This little thing I did today (which is making me tired, sore, and a bit woozy) is the beginning. It is a gift of science and exhaustive hours of hard work. I want to take a moment to let sink in the full meaning of this moment.

I know that there is a lot of hard work still to do. Tomorrow I will see more COVID positive moms and try to help them give some immunity to their babies, but I get to do it knowing that my body is hard at work trying to build some protection for me too.

Best Christmas miracle ever!

Merry Christmas 🎄!!

Holiday Flicks

Since there is little else to do, we have been streaming all kinds of holiday flicks. Some I have seen every year for forever, like a Charlie Brown Christmas. Some I have never seen, and most, I haven’t seen in a long time, such as Miracle on 34th Street. I turned it on (the version with the cute little girl that played Matilda) and watched intermittently with Liv who was drawing on their IPad. Hopefully this isn’t a spoiler for you, but somewhat near the end, the guy asks her mother to marry him with a very sparkly diamond ring. This is the moment that Wes tuned in. A minute or so later he ran screaming from the living room - Wes is fervently against the concept of marriage- I think it is PTSD from a moment on third grade when he “married” his classmate Phoebe on the playground at recess and got a detention, it took us two years to understand that when Wes says “married” he means “kiss”. Anyway, if we want to make Wes get all out of sorts, we pretend to make obnoxious kissy noises. Once in a while we forget he is in the room and he catches is actually kissing. It used to be kind of funny the way he would run to avert his virgin eyes, but now it can lead to a full melt down. Anyway, I took the photo above the second time he popped up during this movie… yup, right at the end, when they kiss inside their new home!

We took these while working on our Home Alone Keven faces.

It was hard to hold still enough for my camera to process in the dark!