First day of school

My emotions are all over the place today. I desperately needed some time in my house, without my fabulous but sometimes a little smothering, children. I don’t use the word “desperately” mildly. At the same time, I feel like I’m sending my children into battle. The enemy, a tiny microscopic set of nucleic acids disguised as obnoxious, ignorant, and often petulant flag waving deniers who care more about their “freedoms” than health and the science that we know works. I did not send them into battle unarmed though.

Double masked, goggled, and sporting sanitizer, my kids have the privilege of being vaccinated and highly knowledgeable about everything that we know will protect them. I just hope that it is enough.

Military State

This morning as I arrived at work, I was literally greeted my an Army National Guard in full fatigues. The significance of his presence was not lost on me. It means that we are loosing the war. It means that my six months of extra shifts to administer COVID vaccines, failed to protect lives and end this thing. It means that my day will be more exhausting and my family more endangered just because they are my family. It means that more lives are being lost and forever changed by a virus that we could have stopped. COVID 19, today, is a PREVENTABLE disease.
My eyes welled up as I rode the tram up. Not going to lie about how this moment made me feel. It hurts in so many ways.
I feel like I’ve seen this movie, I can’t really believe that we are at this part. What next?
I haven’t asked in a while, but please, can you take your loved ones and go get vaccinated? If not for me and all my fellow health caregivers, then for our children who can’t yet?

Proud of Me

Today marks 3 weeks of getting back on my bike for work after a pandemic related hiatus. It wasn’t/ isn’t easy to get up that much earlier to accommodate the extra time required, or to decide to risk public transport with the delta variant. Still it feels really good to get some really good exercise in before work. It starts my day in a good direction; gets moly blood pumping and the oxygen flowing!! Proud of me!

Calmness Whispers

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This afternoon (on my coast anyway) I tuned in as the President and the Vice President commemorated the lives this country has lost to COVID 19. The tears that rolled down my face were my body’s way of releasing the toxins of the last four years. I felt a calming as all the pent up fear, turmoil, and stress literally leaked out.

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I am reminded though, that I am adaptable and resilient. Though I have never ever wanted to test these traits, this moment in history has nonetheless provided opportunity. I believe that America too will show its resilience. I won’t sugar coat the reality, however; the divide in this country is vast. I do worry about how or if unity is possible.

Graduate Work

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One of my projects last term was printed out and hung in the halls of my unit. I feel really proud and humbled to have this moment to share what I learned from my research with my colleagues. I can’t thank them enough for uplifting me and supporting me as I try to achieve my goals. I am so lucky to have a great work family!

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Vaccination

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I did a thing today!

I never imagined myself being excited to get a shot on Christmas Day, but it is 2020. A year like none other. My number was picked as I was able to step off the unit and receive the Pfizer vaccine.

More than once in the last week I have shed tears over this moment. The weight of this time, the pandemic, the death-suffering-loneliness, all of it has started feel pretty hefty. In my few moments of quiet, sometimes it just overtakes me.
I mourn many things… the loss of everyday life, my kids graduations from middle and elementary school, vacations, visits from family and friends, a feeling of safety and security, feeling valued in my work, connecting with my patients in the moments when it really matters in the close human way that my work requires at times, dining out, the quiet of my house when the kids are at school and Jon is on a run, the tidiness my house once had when it sat at 1/3 capacity 2/3rds of the day, the laughter of my kids on the playground or socializing with friends, meandering in a store just to linger a little longer, the joy on Wes’ face when we went to a mall with an escalator or rode the Max… so many things.

This little thing I did today (which is making me tired, sore, and a bit woozy) is the beginning. It is a gift of science and exhaustive hours of hard work. I want to take a moment to let sink in the full meaning of this moment.

I know that there is a lot of hard work still to do. Tomorrow I will see more COVID positive moms and try to help them give some immunity to their babies, but I get to do it knowing that my body is hard at work trying to build some protection for me too.

Best Christmas miracle ever!


Merry Christmas 🎄!!

Vaccine

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The long anticipated roll out of the first vaccine to prevent COVID 19 is underway at my hospital. It hasn’t gone without controversy though. Like many institutions, they stated that frontline workers would be among the first to get the vaccine. Of course there are thousands of frontline healthcare workers just at my institution, and only a small fraction of doses available at this time. It begs the question, who should get it first?
I think it was sold that doses would be prioritized to those workers who are at most risk by both most exposed and most vulnerable (age, ethnicity, and chronic health). While this sounds totally reasonable to me, the process of identifying who is in fact the “most exposed” hasn’t been very transparent. The administration announced several “phases” or “waves” with vague titles such as “acute care”, “ICU” or “support staff”. They have not clarified what specific units fit into these broad categories. Our L&D nurses, for example, serve as a triage point for all pregnant women. We see a lot of COVID positive patients, who are allowed to have a COVID positive support person and to remove their masks in active labor. These nurses are at the bedside for their entire shift in very close contact for their entire labor. They support these moms through aerosolizing procedures, active labor and delivery. Their risk is extremely high. Their vaccination opportunity falls in the second “phase/wave”… this was unsettling to learn, but it was much worse when stories of medical students (who don’t have patient contact), residents, and physicians (who spend little time at bedside in contact generally speaking) are receiving vaccines ahead of bedside staff such as our L&D nurses.

As far as who might be at more risk from a demographic/ overall health standpoint, there was no systemwide survey conducted. So there is no transparency around how these decisions are being made.

I know that my risk is lower than many nurses at my hospital, maybe even several physicians and residents, but surely not medical students! I can wait for my turn, I can absolutely appreciate that there people whose age and/or health requires more immediate attention, but it is all an easier pill to swallow when the process of decision making is transparent. I think I have a right to know the process and understand where I reasonably stand, given the sacrifices that I have personally made over the last nine months. Please respect me enough to offer this small curtesy!

And yes, when you are offered a vaccine, you should take it (unless your medical doctor has outlined specific risk factors that are contraindicated)! COVID is a public health issue. It doesn’t know republicans from democrats, race, sex, gender… etc. Healthy people who get vaccinated protect those who can’t, and eliminate horrible deadly diseases from our communities. See Polio, Smallpox, and Measles for more understanding.

Waiting … for my number to protect those I love, and you and those you love!

Jon’s friend

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Jon made a friend on our afternoon walk this evening!

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To me, a bug is a bug… even when it’s a “cute, fuzzy “ caterpillar 🐛!

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I had a Pilar cyst excised today. My head was very numb for most of the day, but I’m glad it’s done. I am scheduled to work this weekend, and I can’t do that with a huge bandage on my head! So I spent some time making scrub caps to protect my wound and unsightliness while I’m at work.

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And our ballots came in the mail today! I’m looking forward to doing my part and casting my ballot! I can’t believe that the next time we do this, Tay and Liv will get a ballot too! 🙄

Long run

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I jogged 4 miles today, dodging raindrops and alternating bright sunshine. It felt good. Before COVID I did shorter “faster” type jogs on Tuesdays and Thursdays and a long steady jog on Saturday or Sunday. While I have been continuing my jogging, I got into more of a slow and steady rhythm to all my jogs. I had some trouble with blisters in my feet, then I had surgery and recovery then heat, wildfires, smoke, virtual school, grad school… lots of things that interrupted my routine. Shortly after I got up this morning it was pouring rain outside and I thought that I might not run at all, much less a long run. So I’m proud of this accomplishment. I got out and Did a long run.

I have learned over the years that goals are deeply internal. If a particular goal is internally motivating I am very likely to accomplish it. If it’s not, my success is less likely. Sometimes external factors can be additionally motivating, but only where an internal factor exists. For example, my Stats instructor asked us to assign the probability that we would receive a certain letter grade in his class. I don’t remember exactly what I assigned, but it went something like this:

A 90%
B 8%
C 2%
D 0%
F 0%
Other 0%

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His comments back to me went something like this:

I am surprised that you would leave no room for some type of unpredictable event to occur that might cause you not to complete the class.

Anyone who has known me for a significant part of my life knows that I’m a textbook example of an overachiever. I wear the badge proudly. I am internally motivated by achieving. It’s the overachiever me that placed my chance of an A so high. It was the external motivation of needing a C or higher in Stats to qualify for my master’s program that influenced everything else. I joked that Jon better pull the plug if I couldn’t complete the stats course! This being because only dying would stand in my way when I was so motivated.

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When I have goals that I’m struggling to accomplish, I find myself wondering about my motivations. Is there an internal motivation? Is it strong enough? What are my external motivations? One thing that I have never fully achieved is to predict the right combination of motivations to achieve all of my ambitions, nor how to increase my conscious motivation to push me towards achieving them.

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