Pie

I read a Facebook meme today that asked if “your mom made you a cinnamon and sugar treat with leftover pie dough when you were a kid?” I thought “no, but my mom also didn’t make pie”. Then I remembered she did try to make Pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving one year. She bought a frozen crust, filled it with store bought pumpkin filling and baked it. It took a really long time to bake, and she was frustrated, but we didn’t know what the problem was. Later she couldn’t slice the pie either.
Finally we discovered the reason for all her woes. She never took out the paper at the bottom of the frozen crust.

Lucky for her, I married a pie man. She never had to make pie again.

More Cake

Wes demanded that his cake this year be “death by chocolate”. So, I submit, artery clogging, widow maker, diabetes instilling…. Death By Chocolate!!!

I filled the middle with whipped cream icing, chocolate syrup, and Wes’ favorite candy coated M&Ms.

Then I covered the whole cake in made from scratch chocolate whipped cream icing!

My MIL gifted me for my birthday an attachment for my Kitchen Aid. It warms and tempers chocolate! So I made chocolate truffles to decorate the cake! Nailed it!

Ok, I need some work, but for my first attempt, not bad. They taste delicious and look amazing on the cake!!!

I made a She-ra portrait for Ava using dark and white chocolate. For Wes I did a Voltron chocolate portrait.

Jon made homemade chocolate ice cream from scratch to aid in the chocolatey death ☠️

Spreading some cheer

One of my besties and her family delivered some holiday treats to our home this morning. We made some holiday bread for them. We wrapped it up and set the package in the porch for their arrival. It isn’t the sort of visit we would prefer, but it was really lovely to see one and other and exchange a brief conversation. It is the small gestures (although it’s hard to call this a small gesture as it was raining hard all day and all the treats were homemade with love) that really count!

Thank you Stevens’ for spreading some joy today! I love my Ezra art too!!!! I can’t believe how grown up the kids are (why do I keep forgetting that they do that?)

Iced cookies

Last night the kids iced and decorated our holiday cookies. The kids also helped put out most of the rest of our holiday decorations too.

It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas!

Baking Merry

The last month FLEW by! I have wrapped up my first term of my graduate program! It feels really good to be able to say that and still feel firmly on my feet! It was a lot of work, and I neglected several preferred things, but its in the bag! Now as we turn our sights towards the holidays, making merry and bright, and saying goodbye to the year… I’m finding myself with a wee bit of time again.

While I was working after Thanksgiving, Jon and the kids kicked off our holiday season by putting away fall and brining out our holiday favorites. Interestingly there where a lot of things that didn’t make their way out of boxes. It felt like the spirit of 2020 had seeped in and dampened everyone’s hustle and bustle.

So slowly I have been ordering, receiving, and wrapping holiday (and birthday - at the Stanis house) gifts. I’m pretty proud to say that I have everything wrapped that is here, though I am still waiting on a few stragglers to come in.

Jon baked bread to share with our neighbors, a holiday tradition from his childhood. It somehow seems like the right time to bring those traditions back in a year when so much feels wrong.

Yesterday I whipped up some sugar cookie dough, and the kids helped roll it, cut it, and bake it! They did it with pretty much only verbal cues. Which was great. I always remember feeling so physically tired after making cookies in the past! Tonight we will apply icing and sprinkles to bring them full circle. Should be equally messy, right!?!

For me, it doesn’t really feel real that it is Christmas time. My body is still quite full of anxiety over the state of our government, the state of public health, my children’s mental and social health, the questions that remain unanswered about the near and distant future. I feel fortunate to have built in avenues of reliable and supported information, the ability to have stable housing and income, a spouse who always works from home, and lots of technology and knowledge to help my kids through distance learning; just to name of few things I am thankful for. I still live with an endemic level of anxiety and concern for our world.

The weight of this year has been hitting me a little harder in the last few weeks, probably as things have slowed down a bit for me.

My experience on the front line:

I set out two biohazard bags and two clean gloves. Then I tied on a scrub cap. Next I removed a clean disposable gown which I placed over my head, threaded my thumbs through and tied around my waist. Then a pair of clean gloves that slip over the gown at my wrists. I removed my regular surgical mask that I wear all day, and placed my plastic disposable container, with my N95 mask suspended in it, over my mouth and nose. I pull the lower strap up over the container and then my head down to my neck, then the second strap. I cover the container and set it aside. I pinch the metal strap over my nose and breath in and out deeply and slowly, testing the seal. I place my goggles that I wear in every room on next. I test the seal again. I adjust the metal strip when my goggles fog a little. Test a few more times until I am satisfied that the fit is right and the seal is solid. Finally I place the strap of my plastic face shield over my head.

This process has already taken me nearly ten minutes. I’m thinking through every step carefully. I don’t want to screw this up. One error at this moment brings this thing home. It puts my family at risk. I’m not thinking about myself in this moment, I am totally thinking about my kids.

I am hot as I walk into the room. The family on the other side of the door is pleasant. They look tired, like all the moms and dads I see. She has a mask sitting just below her nose covering her mouth and chin. Her baby is swaddled and laying on her lap in the bed. His mask covers most of his face. A bushy beard breaks around the edges on the sides and bottom.

I wonder what they think of me as I introduce myself and explain my business in their room. What would I think if someone walked into my room looking as I do now? They are happy to have me there, they have a lot of questions. The baby is completely asleep. I’m relieved in one sense, I will not have to spend a prolonged period of time within six inches of this mother’s face, but I might have to don everything again and come back. My mind sighs. I start describing the expected feeding behaviors of their baby, and the mom interrupts me to share that her baby is special and already exceeding all of these expectations. Of course she is. I spend about 45 minutes talking and answering questions. My face is sweaty. The shield, or maybe the goggles, or both, are starting to fog up.. my mind focuses on that for a second and I think it’s time for me to get out.

As I finally exit the room, I can’t seem to pull hard enough to break the tie of the gown. I curse in my head as I struggle to pull in the right place. I take a breath and slow down, careful to wrap the gown into itself so as not to shake around any droplets. I get one hand out, then with some effort, the other. I mindfully place the ball gently in the waste bin at the door. As I exit, I hit the sanitizer bottle squirting a huge glop into my hands. It takes a bit for the sanitizer to dry enough that I can put on the clean gloves I had laid out before I went in. As it dried, I thought about the order of doffing what was left. Once my gloves were on, I grabbed a new cavie wipe from the bottle and carefully remove the face shield so as not to touch the mask or my cap. I clean the shield and place it in my paper bag. Next I do the same with my goggles. Then I uncover my plastic Glad-wear. I place it over my face. I reach back for the lower strap and bring it up over my head and around the entire container. Then I repeat with the second strap. I place the cover on and press it tightly to seal. Months ago I drilled three holes into the container for ventilation to allow anything in it to dry. I’m grateful today that I prepared this so long ago. Finally I remove my cap with one hand, while holding the bio bag in the other. I am careful to try not to touch the sides or the edges. I compress the bag a little to let out some air and seal it as well as I can with one hand. I take off the gloves, sanitize and put on clean gloves again. This time I open the second bio bag and invert it, pulling it right side out with the other bag cleverly contained with in. I seal it, doff gloves, and sanitize again.

Its been about 90 minutes since I started, but I think I did a good job. I grab a new surgical mask that I will wear the rest of the day. I store my PPE and place the bio hazard bags in my bag to take home to wash. Disposable hats (bouffon caps) are on low supply so the hospital doesn’t recommend using them for routine care of COVID positive patient.

I sent Jon a text to have my house robe waiting for me when I get home. Its our code for “I’m somehow interacting with someone who is or is suspected of being COVID positive”. He places my house robe in the laundry room that connects our garage to the house. When I pull in the garage, he opens the door. I step in and use the heal of my shoe to close the door. He opens the washer. I give him my phone, lunch box, drinking cup which he will wash right away. I strip down and everything goes in the washer, including the scrub cap that I remove carefully from the bags, avoiding touching the contaminated insides. I put on the robe and make my way to the shower. I scrub and douse in soap and water. My robe and towels go into the washer next, and everything is washed immediately on sanitize. I leave my shoes there for several days when possible.

I don’t get to know if these measures are enough to keep us safe, but the routine is the best chance we have to keep COVID at work. I want so desperately to protect my family, that I take the time to think through it, to plan my moves with intention. This patient experienced only mild symptoms, but many on our unit have been quite ill. A few are lucky to have made it. COVID is devastating to pregnant women. Most of them who have been so ill, also delivered prematurely. This has turned out to be somewhat protective for me as a lactation consultant. When they deliver prematurely, I don’t end up needing to spend time at their bedside, I can provide education on the phone and through bedside staff. Still, it’s heartbreaking to watch this play out on the sidelines. I am grateful for the vaccine that is now being administered to the most at risk of our ranks. I don’t know when my number will come up, nor when my family will be able to receive it. I don’t love that it had to be rushed, nor that long term effects can’t be studied. I don’t love having to be one of the first to get it, but I will get it, and I will take these unknowns. Because the alternative is to let this virus continue to ravage the world. When healthy people get vaccinated, it protects the most vulnerable among us.

May 2021 bring us all peace and humility once again.

Pears, pears everywhere!

We picked a huge plastic box full of pears about a week and a half ago. No surprise, they are all perfectly ripe right now. We can’t eat them or can them fast enough! But as I’m the queen of overachieving, I made a go of it!

Today I canned 10 lbs of pears (10 jars) and made two batches of pear butter (12 lbs)! I lost count of the jars. I lost one, it exploded in the final hot water bath and made a huge mess.

I love that our home provides food for us, but it is so exhausting! I feel really bad though when the fruit goes bad before I can use it. Serious guilt! I also found 13 jars of preserves from last year’s harvest!

Sp.ed. and other ramblings

I forgot to post photos of the waffle cakes… So here are a couple.

I have three sped (special education) children. One is pretty high functioning with support, one is just getting her feet wet and supports haven’t been well identified yet, and one is low functioning even with all the support they throw at him. I use “support” here in the way that the school and federal/state education boards use the term. To me, accommodation is a better term. My kids are assessed and have goals established and evaluated constantly. Still, all three of my sped kids are pretty behind when compared with their peers. There are good reasons not to compare kids, and I try not do so either, but once in a while I sit back and think, “how would my life look differently if these three kiddo were more typical?” The honest answer is that something else would take the place of my current worries/troubles/challenges, but sometimes I think it might be nice to worry about those things instead of the things that I do.

Just a little bit ago Jon was sitting with Wes on a zoom call that was meant to serve as a math assessment. It was painful for me to set over at my desk and watch, and it was painful for Jon to sit next to Wes powerless to aid in any way. The teacher certainly couldn’t say, but I would bet my life on the fact the he might use the word “painful” to describe the interaction also. Wes, however, was gleeful as he jabbered on about anything that came to his mind. Inadvertently he answered a couple questions right, he did demonstrate a few skills that he actually has, and his “jabbering” was on topic - mostly number songs that he made up. Every 30 seconds the teacher tried in vain to reestablish Wes’ attention, which mostly failed until Jon intervened. Usually with a physical and verbal cue about where his attention needed to be. Many things that Wes actually does know, were not demonstrated because who could stay on topic through all of that to get down to what it means to subtract two numbers. (He can subtract basic 0-9 numbers, sometimes. But I don’t think he really understands what it means to “take away” or “subtract” or “minus”.)

So far, comprehensive distance learning has meant hours (4hrs in increments of 55 min) of Wes sitting in front of his iPad while the world zoomed (literally) in front of him. The speaking in these classes goes so fast that Wes cannot seem to keep up with what is being said. By the time he has heard, then interpreted, then prepared a response, the class is onto something else. When he is called on to answer a question, it takes 3-5 minutes for him to articulate his ideas. Sometimes because it took that long for him to get the courage to speak, and often because it takes that long for him to form the thought and the language to express it. When he does finally speak, he needs to be taught how to turn on the microphone over and over, and he speaks so quietly that almost no one, even us sitting next to him, can hear it. My boy who is often outspoken and inappropriately loud, is completely shy and intimidated by the concept of speaking on the computer.

For my other kids, I keep them on schedule, but they are able to find and log into their classes on their own. They need me to ask about what homework they have and if it is done, or guide them in determining how their time should be used. But Wes, he needs someone to take him to his work area, turn on and navigate the device, listen to the class and redirect his attention every minute or so, engage him IRL in the topics that are being discussed online. He needs to be prompted to listen to what is being said, and begged and rewarded to sit up, not mess around with the screens, and stop talking (to the aid, because he won't talk to the class). On a good day, this is all that is required, he might even try to answer some questions, but most days are not so easy. He screams, cries, throws his body down, lays his head on the table and covers it with a blanket. When I say “aid” I mean parent or PSW (Keaton- who is amazing and patient and I don’t know what I would do without her!!)

Our school district identified early that in person school would not be a reality at the start of this year. Jon and I support this concept, as most students should not be in school while the pandemic remains out of control. At the same time, Wes is not learning in this environment. We do not have the resources to maintain this level of support at home, and our district seems deaf to the difficulty. I attended three Zoom meetings before school started around services for students with special education needs. I had countless emails with Wes’ teachers to voice my concerns. I see them doing everything that they can within the confines of the directives from Oregon department of Education. It’s just not enough.

Ava has not had any contact from her special ed supports beyond an email with instructions for setting up audiobooks from he library… which we already a have three audiobook applications where she can get books for leisure reading. What she needs is support around organizing her work and figuring out how to complete things. She needs remediation in math and practice using her reading skills that her tutor has been working on.

Taylor needs much of the same support as Ava, but in a way that will make him a successful high school student. He needs someone to highlight how that is different from being a middle school student. He needs some guidance around how to navigate this and how to keep up. Taylor has had no communication from his supports. I have no clue how anyone is “supporting” Taylor as outlined in his IEP.

In CDL, the concept of support is foreign. There is no special education, there is just one kind of education, and it presumes a lot of skills. It also presumes a lot help from parents. It is not hard for me to see how this education exposes disparities for all sorts of children.

More cake, cause this topic got deep real fast… sorry….

Birthday hangover

It’s a sleepy Sunday around here. I think we are all hungover of sweets and salty taco food from Jon’s birthday celebration yesterday! Jon did some grocery shopping and together we peeled and canned six more jars of pears.

We watched an entertaining Packer vs Saints football game. It was a good matchup. Shoot out style. Jon thinks it has to do with not having fans. It certainly is a unique season.

Happy Mother's Day

I had a great Mother's Day!  I woke up on my own accord... which always makes for a great day!  My husband and two eldest children were hard at work concocting something amazing in the kitchen... turned out to be omelets, chocolate dipped strawberries, carmel and pecan glazed cinnamon rolls, and mimosas.  Yummy!

Then I got hand made cards and pictures from my children.  This was one of my favorites... from Taylor:

It says: "Deer mom  I love you becuase you are wendrful."

I love being Wendrful!

Taylor also made me an awesome painted washer necklace on twin.  Very easy on the neck :) 

And there were flowers... I love having flowers on my table! 

Later we went outside and took photos for a project that I dreamed up for Kay.  I created graphics using the kids names to spell out the word "LOVE".  Jon and I thought it was pretty cool that we could do that with our kid's names.  So we took the photos, edited them and had them printed.  Then we had a four photo frame where we put each child with their letter in a frame and spelled love.  But I liked the photo above so much that we also had that one printed! 

Then we spent the rest of the evening cooking delicious food at Kay's... and I ate way too much...  :( But it was so good!

Powder my nose

Last Sunday we made our own flour tortillas to have with fajitas in celebration of the cinco de mayo.  Unfortunately, we used a little bit too much flour when rolling them out and so when you ate one you got covered in flour... like Ava here. I think I also over cooked them initially, so they were more like quesadilla fajitas.  Anyway...  

Finally done with this week, felt really really long.  We have so much we want to get done this weekend too... since we didn't get anything done during the week... so it doesn't look like its going to cool down anytime soon.