I have never shared this photo before, but I’m really struggling to connect with my feelings today. So many parts of my world since January 11,2017, has felt increasingly chaotic. I saw a Facebook post that I made on January 10th, 2017, and I thought to myself, “that was the last day that life felt normal”. That is not to say that wonderful things haven’t happened in my life in the last four years, because I have met so many incredible people, many I now have the privilege to call my friends. Jon and the kids and I have built a life here in Oregon that sometimes feels like a fairytale. The dichotomy of my world before, and my world today, is vast.

The biggest thing I mourn is that my kids don’t have her here as they grow, and she doesn’t get to see them grow up. My mom had a very special relationship with all of her grandchildren. This thought brings out my tears every time it floats across my consciousness.

I mourn that my sister has lost this light. I think their relationship was much more than I appreciated when my mom was alive. Sometimes I feel regretful that they connected on a level I never did. Then I feel grateful that Amy will always have that.

I mourn for Gerry. After my Dad passed away, I couldn’t imagine how my mom could go on. I will never forget when she told me about Gerry. I appreciate that he treated her well and made her feel some freedoms in her last five years that I don’t think she ever allowed herself before. I know he has regrets, but life truly is too short for it. I am grateful for the happiness you gave to my Mom as you traveled the states together.

Wasn’t that a beautiful day that we had? I’m so lucky to share my life with a supportive, loving life partner. I think about my parents nearly every day. I miss them hard at times, tearing up and sobbing. Sometimes the memories are fun ones that make me laugh to tears. Sometimes I still feel pretty angry.

I find myself trying to imagine them here in the throws of political unrest and a raging pandemic…and all that has come with it. Sometimes I would kill just have one last conversation.